"Why motivation doesn't work " - Romal Surana

I recently came across research on parenting that highlighted the mismatch between what parents say and what children feel. The example given was of a child struggling with a math problem and saying, “I can’t do this. Math is difficult for me.” As parents, we often jump in with phrases like, “You can do it! Just try harder,” thinking we are motivating them. But the research shows that this can create a deeper issue.

When we tell a child they can do something they feel they can’t, we create a mismatch in emotions. The child knows their current struggle and feels invalidated when we insist they can overcome it instantly. This leads to an emotional disconnect. While we don’t see the effects immediately, this mismatch can resurface later, especially during preadolescence. At that stage, children often develop a “rebellious” attitude, doing the opposite of what parents ask, driven by a subconscious need to defy the mismatch they’ve experienced.

The research offers a more effective approach: acknowledge the child’s feelings first. If a child says, “I can’t do this,” a more helpful response would be, “I agree, right now, this math problem feels hard.” This validates their feelings and builds trust. Then, give an example from their past. For instance, “Remember how you were scared of riding your bike at first? It took practice, but you got better.” This comparison helps the child understand that with effort, their skills will improve, just like before.

By recognizing the difficulty and relating it to past successes, we create synchrony between us and the child. Instead of forcing positivity, we foster understanding. This encourages a higher acceptance level from the child and builds resilience over time. As parents, acknowledging challenges while offering examples of growth leads to better long-term motivation and emotional alignment.

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